Looking after yourself

Not a rescue plan for a crisis — a way to keep going through the long stretch.

Grieving a child who is still alive

What you’re carrying has a name: ambiguous loss — grief for someone who is physically present in the world but absent from your life, with no funeral, no ritual, and often no one around you who understands why you’re still grieving. It’s sometimes called disenfranchised grief, because the people around you may not recognise it as grief at all.

Birthdays, holidays, and the ordinary Tuesday when you’d normally hear from them can all reopen it. There’s no efficient way through that. You’re allowed to plan for those days rather than just survive them as they arrive — tell one person in advance, or plan something for yourself on the day, rather than white-knuckling it alone.

What to tell people who ask

You don’t owe anyone the full story. “It’s complicated and I’m not up for going into it right now” is a complete answer.

What actually helps, according to parents who’ve been through this

In one study of targeted parents, roughly a third used therapy, roughly a third used peer support, and just over a third used structured activity or study — alongside exercise and hobbies. These aren’t quick fixes, but they’re what people in your situation have actually found useful.

The same research found 44% of parents coped through substances, avoidance, or isolation at some point. If that’s where you are right now, that’s not a moral failing — it’s an extremely common response to an extremely hard situation. It’s also a sign worth taking seriously.

If you’re thinking about hurting yourself, or you feel like giving up, please don’t wait. Get help now.