What to say — and what never to say
Based on practitioner guidance from psychologist Amy Baker, who works directly with alienated families. This is professional experience, not a research finding — treat it as informed advice, not proof.
Never: “That’s not true.”
Instead: “I am so sorry to hear you say that. That must hurt, to feel that I don’t love you.”
Arguing the facts head-on invites the child to defend their position rather than feel heard.
Never: “Who told you that?”
Instead: “That sounds like a scary thing to believe about me.”
This question confirms the manipulation narrative the child may already have been given — that someone is “telling” them things.
Never: “How dare you speak to me that way.”
Instead: “I can hear you’re really angry with me right now.”
A child under this kind of pressure needs to know your love isn’t conditional on their tone.
Source: Baker, A. J. L. — practitioner guidance for parents on communicating with an alienated child, drawn from clinical experience rather than a controlled study.